crikey. What a fucked couple of weeks. Really, what a fucked couple of months. Really, the previous decade can just go fuck off a pier.
whew! I am wicked cranky. I have a cold/flu despite getting a motherfucking flu shot and taking all my happy vitamins and getting enough sleep and not going out and the echinacea and the golden seal...oy.
The onset of the cold/flu was kind of a relief because I was all like, "Serious? With the depression? and the low energy? Is this how it's gonna be?"
Because as not thrilled as I am about some things - oh, and I am SO NOT THRILLED about some things, we were talking the hopeless awful anxiety depression.
You know, the one I'm all medicated for. OOOPS.
Even though I do have health insurance - yay! being a student at a giant healthcare factory! - going through the whole off one thing onto another is. just. such. a. drag.
You know what's not a drag? Canton ginger and hot almond milk. I think I'll have some more.
ahhhhh.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Sturm und angst
I don't feel like I can talk about everything that is going on and that is making me feel alienated from this, my favorite medium for sorting things out. I don't like it.
That said.
School is a major head fuck. I knew that it would be, yes. I have been trying to put the nature of the head fuck into words for the past week, with little success. But I've got to sort it out - so here we go -
As mentioned in previous post - the people, my peers - while I do like most - there continues to be people who I want to punch just because they are stupid and ugly.
These people are the people that I will be working with when I'm done. In the hospital. They are prime examples of the willful ignorance that is so prevalent in Pittsburgh.
As much as I love being here, the pervasive social conservatism drives me insane. I miss living in cities where acceptance of difference is an integral part of the culture.
So as much as I love being near my parents, my brother and sis in law, friends - I don't know if I will stay.
That said, I'm here for at least three more years - 2 years to finish the program at Shadyside, a year working in the hospitals while I finish my BSN from Chatham.
Which will make both my me and my mom graduates from Chatham, which tickles her no end.
And then there are the pangs of - what to call? Leaving the idea of writing and art aside. Recognizing that I didn't give it the necessary energy when I had the opportunity and that now I must adjust to a different way of living my life.
I feel like I've given up on something that was the primary source of identification to me, without giving myself a proper chance - what this boils down to is I wish that I'd gone to grad school for writing.
I wish that I could have pulled it together during that horrible time while Jack and Bammy were in the hospital and applied to grad school.
But I didn't.
And I didn't after.
It was a rough few years there.
So it is an adjustment.
I feel like I have let myself down. Not lived up to my potential.
Which is not to say that I am not excited about the path that I am on. But that I am just in the beginning of yet another bout of identity adjustment.
Which is always a blast!
Am reading this. *
And it is awesome.
Have just finished this series. **
I love these mysteries. They are deeply engaging.
So that's that.
I was extremely excited this morning when I realized that I had all the fixins for a cream cheese-tomato-avocado-onion bagel, so I'm going to go eat that now.
Happy Sunday!
*Kraken by China Mieville
**Michael Ohayon series by Batya Gur
That said.
School is a major head fuck. I knew that it would be, yes. I have been trying to put the nature of the head fuck into words for the past week, with little success. But I've got to sort it out - so here we go -
As mentioned in previous post - the people, my peers - while I do like most - there continues to be people who I want to punch just because they are stupid and ugly.
These people are the people that I will be working with when I'm done. In the hospital. They are prime examples of the willful ignorance that is so prevalent in Pittsburgh.
As much as I love being here, the pervasive social conservatism drives me insane. I miss living in cities where acceptance of difference is an integral part of the culture.
So as much as I love being near my parents, my brother and sis in law, friends - I don't know if I will stay.
That said, I'm here for at least three more years - 2 years to finish the program at Shadyside, a year working in the hospitals while I finish my BSN from Chatham.
Which will make both my me and my mom graduates from Chatham, which tickles her no end.
And then there are the pangs of - what to call? Leaving the idea of writing and art aside. Recognizing that I didn't give it the necessary energy when I had the opportunity and that now I must adjust to a different way of living my life.
I feel like I've given up on something that was the primary source of identification to me, without giving myself a proper chance - what this boils down to is I wish that I'd gone to grad school for writing.
I wish that I could have pulled it together during that horrible time while Jack and Bammy were in the hospital and applied to grad school.
But I didn't.
And I didn't after.
It was a rough few years there.
So it is an adjustment.
I feel like I have let myself down. Not lived up to my potential.
Which is not to say that I am not excited about the path that I am on. But that I am just in the beginning of yet another bout of identity adjustment.
Which is always a blast!
Am reading this. *
And it is awesome.
Have just finished this series. **
I love these mysteries. They are deeply engaging.
So that's that.
I was extremely excited this morning when I realized that I had all the fixins for a cream cheese-tomato-avocado-onion bagel, so I'm going to go eat that now.
Happy Sunday!
*Kraken by China Mieville
**Michael Ohayon series by Batya Gur
Sunday, September 19, 2010
dear Pittsburgh
theank you for being amazing. You never fail to tie up loose ends. Thank you for kicking me upside the head with vortex every other fucking week.
Maybe someday I'll get the message.
PS Regan, expect beans and cheese soon.
Maybe someday I'll get the message.
PS Regan, expect beans and cheese soon.
something about the summer
makes me mooooooooooody
One delightful night this summer I met Alicia at the BBox after she was done readi.ng cards and I was done with Spoon. We drank some beer, I met her band mate. BBox closed and we went to an undisclosed location for after hours, where more fun talking and juke box dancing happened. And then we decided that it was time to go to the pool.
This was in the middle of the horrible hot days when it was still 75 at night.
All the while blasting and singing along to Best Coast's Summer Mood on repeat.
The water was crazy warm - body temperature. Swimming back stroke laps naked and drunk while looking at the stars is a brilliantly satisfying activity.
Drunk synchronized diving is another.
My corresponding winter memory is driving home after Gypsy with Duby in the beginning of the blizzard - I don't remember what we were listening to - but a 15 minute drive took 45 frightening and frustrating minutes. We had some wine at the house and watched the snow then decided to go to BBox dance party.
It is fun to go out the first night of a big storm, everyone is giddy. We made snow angels in the 2 ft of snow in the yard and took our soaking selves out on the dance floor.
There are some funny correlations here that have just occurred to me. I won't get into them. The BBox isn't really one of them, it is just close to my house.
What a long strange year it's been.
I've met so many excellent people. I'm continuing to meet awesome people.
I sometimes think about my shy days. My shy, insecure, arrogant days. I just expected people to not like me. Because for most of my pre-collegiate days that was the case. Eventually it dawned on me that actually, people do like me. And so I got over it.
There is a girl in my section of the nursing program that brings me back to those days. She looks at me like I'm a freak, she rolls her eyes and makes little comments. It's irritating.
I tell myself that it's her own insecurity. And it is, I know. And part of it is the same thing that I run into a lot in Pittsburgh. I just look different. Weird. And we all know I don't look that odd anymore! And the reaction is to snicker.
She's the only one I really get it from - my campaign of friendliness and charm is winning over some people who may have been inclined to fall into that sort of behavior.
So, I worry somewhat about a sort of reaction from my peers and colleagues down the line. Makes me want to high tail it back west asap!
But that's not happening anytime soon, and I know that if I don't fully invest myself in my time here and now that I will be not just cheating myself of the time and experience, but also what. I'm not sure how to say it.
Paying attention. In my rather loose idea of how one should live spiritually in the world - the most important thing is to pay attention to the now. And let the future sort itself out. One thing I've learned over the years is that the future will sort itself out if you take care getting to it.
I guess that boils down to yoga-y mindfulness.
Wheew! Ok, I have to go study and I didn't even get to any food. Again!
Every time I eat St. Andree I think of Jaqueline and Work of Art. And Jayson. And now Alyssa too.
So much meaning in the world. It makes me happy.
One delightful night this summer I met Alicia at the BBox after she was done readi.ng cards and I was done with Spoon. We drank some beer, I met her band mate. BBox closed and we went to an undisclosed location for after hours, where more fun talking and juke box dancing happened. And then we decided that it was time to go to the pool.
This was in the middle of the horrible hot days when it was still 75 at night.
All the while blasting and singing along to Best Coast's Summer Mood on repeat.
The water was crazy warm - body temperature. Swimming back stroke laps naked and drunk while looking at the stars is a brilliantly satisfying activity.
Drunk synchronized diving is another.
My corresponding winter memory is driving home after Gypsy with Duby in the beginning of the blizzard - I don't remember what we were listening to - but a 15 minute drive took 45 frightening and frustrating minutes. We had some wine at the house and watched the snow then decided to go to BBox dance party.
It is fun to go out the first night of a big storm, everyone is giddy. We made snow angels in the 2 ft of snow in the yard and took our soaking selves out on the dance floor.
There are some funny correlations here that have just occurred to me. I won't get into them. The BBox isn't really one of them, it is just close to my house.
What a long strange year it's been.
I've met so many excellent people. I'm continuing to meet awesome people.
I sometimes think about my shy days. My shy, insecure, arrogant days. I just expected people to not like me. Because for most of my pre-collegiate days that was the case. Eventually it dawned on me that actually, people do like me. And so I got over it.
There is a girl in my section of the nursing program that brings me back to those days. She looks at me like I'm a freak, she rolls her eyes and makes little comments. It's irritating.
I tell myself that it's her own insecurity. And it is, I know. And part of it is the same thing that I run into a lot in Pittsburgh. I just look different. Weird. And we all know I don't look that odd anymore! And the reaction is to snicker.
She's the only one I really get it from - my campaign of friendliness and charm is winning over some people who may have been inclined to fall into that sort of behavior.
So, I worry somewhat about a sort of reaction from my peers and colleagues down the line. Makes me want to high tail it back west asap!
But that's not happening anytime soon, and I know that if I don't fully invest myself in my time here and now that I will be not just cheating myself of the time and experience, but also what. I'm not sure how to say it.
Paying attention. In my rather loose idea of how one should live spiritually in the world - the most important thing is to pay attention to the now. And let the future sort itself out. One thing I've learned over the years is that the future will sort itself out if you take care getting to it.
I guess that boils down to yoga-y mindfulness.
Wheew! Ok, I have to go study and I didn't even get to any food. Again!
Every time I eat St. Andree I think of Jaqueline and Work of Art. And Jayson. And now Alyssa too.
So much meaning in the world. It makes me happy.
Monday, September 06, 2010
How is it noon already?
Good afternoon! It has cooled off here and I have slept so well and late the past three days. Just a quick note before I go off to Jack and Judy's for lunch and laundry - what is with all the helicopters this weekend? Is shades of the G20 for reals.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
in which Bammy dies and I turn 40
Hi there. Well, let's see. It's been a busy couple of months over here what with school dr. appts seemingly all the time, and new work, and wow. I don't know! So BUSY.
New work is awesome. My coworkers are entertaining, the food is awesome, everyone is calm and collected, what more could you want? And the clientele is pretty awesome too. For the most part.
What else? Well, I turned 40 on Monday. It feels good. So this is my hump year, more or less!
I have mixed feelings about the last 20 years. On one hand, I feel like I squiggled a lot of time away - on the other hand, it was fun for the most part and I spent some time with a bunch of different amazing people.
So while I feel like I've wasted time, I'm not really sure how it would've been better spent.
I guess what I'm getting at is that maybe if I'd not squiggled so much time away, I would've gotten to this mostly happy and content place earlier in life.
But everything happens in it's time.
Moving forward.
Bammy (my maternal grandmother) died last week. It was sudden and rather unexpected. Mentally she's been absent for the last few years, but physically she was in good shape. Friday before last she went into the hospital because she was vomiting and something was obviously wrong.
The hospital called my mom Saturday morning and said that they were going to give her blood. My mom said ok, then woke up a bit and remembered that Bammy had an advanced directive.
No blood. No feeding. No invasive tests.
She called them back, said, NO, and went to the hospital.
My sis came and got me off we went. Everyone at the hospital was lovely. The doctor respected her advance directive and put hospice orders into effect immediately.
Several hours later Bammy was back in her bed at the assisted living home.
I left this is draft form for a couple weeks - continuing now a couple of weeks later -
So I came back to the house for a bit, went back - missed her being chatty and active but did feed her a LOT of chocolate ice cream before she went back to sleep!
We all left - my mom stayed - I went back the next day, and as I was saying goodbye to her before I left for work, I realized that she was still.
An interesting side note - when people are dying their feet go cold. No really - as if the ghost is being given up from the toes upward.
I had been checking her feet all day - her toes were cold, but toes are often cold. Throughout the afternoon the coldness advanced up her foot.
We had no idea how long her dying would take - the nurse said it could be days, fortunately it wasn't.
My mom's 'sister under the skin,' Lois was there as were my mom and sister - we joined hands and Lois said a prayer since my family is not very good at that sort of thing, and the dying process ended and the newly dead process began.
It was a good death. We were all there, including my sister, who was only here for a regular visit, she had appropriate pain medication, and it did not take long.
My m0m threw a great wake party. Much laughter and reminiscing. Many people I have not seen in years that it was great to see, even under the circumstances.
And the next day we shelved her at the mausoleum. The director went to school with my brother and sister. My brother and his wife, and my sister and her husband and I went to lunch at a friend's restaurant. I went to the health department to get a tetanus shot and then we all met up at my mom's to eat leftovers. My sis and her man left the next day. I went back to work.
Life continued. It is still weird that she is not here any more. We were very close. I am glad that I came back to Pittsburgh coincidentally just in time for my grandfather's passing. I spent the horrible week of his dying with her and held her hand through the burial and wake proceedings. I am glad that I came back to Pittsburgh the first time. I saw her every week for a couple of years there. And I'm glad that I was here when her brain began to betray her. And I am so very glad that I was here for her death.
She was a kind and fun-loving woman. She was a fantastic grandmother. And when I became a grown up she was a good friend.
I am very thankful that she got to have a good death.
New work is awesome. My coworkers are entertaining, the food is awesome, everyone is calm and collected, what more could you want? And the clientele is pretty awesome too. For the most part.
What else? Well, I turned 40 on Monday. It feels good. So this is my hump year, more or less!
I have mixed feelings about the last 20 years. On one hand, I feel like I squiggled a lot of time away - on the other hand, it was fun for the most part and I spent some time with a bunch of different amazing people.
So while I feel like I've wasted time, I'm not really sure how it would've been better spent.
I guess what I'm getting at is that maybe if I'd not squiggled so much time away, I would've gotten to this mostly happy and content place earlier in life.
But everything happens in it's time.
Moving forward.
Bammy (my maternal grandmother) died last week. It was sudden and rather unexpected. Mentally she's been absent for the last few years, but physically she was in good shape. Friday before last she went into the hospital because she was vomiting and something was obviously wrong.
The hospital called my mom Saturday morning and said that they were going to give her blood. My mom said ok, then woke up a bit and remembered that Bammy had an advanced directive.
No blood. No feeding. No invasive tests.
She called them back, said, NO, and went to the hospital.
My sis came and got me off we went. Everyone at the hospital was lovely. The doctor respected her advance directive and put hospice orders into effect immediately.
Several hours later Bammy was back in her bed at the assisted living home.
I left this is draft form for a couple weeks - continuing now a couple of weeks later -
So I came back to the house for a bit, went back - missed her being chatty and active but did feed her a LOT of chocolate ice cream before she went back to sleep!
We all left - my mom stayed - I went back the next day, and as I was saying goodbye to her before I left for work, I realized that she was still.
An interesting side note - when people are dying their feet go cold. No really - as if the ghost is being given up from the toes upward.
I had been checking her feet all day - her toes were cold, but toes are often cold. Throughout the afternoon the coldness advanced up her foot.
We had no idea how long her dying would take - the nurse said it could be days, fortunately it wasn't.
My mom's 'sister under the skin,' Lois was there as were my mom and sister - we joined hands and Lois said a prayer since my family is not very good at that sort of thing, and the dying process ended and the newly dead process began.
It was a good death. We were all there, including my sister, who was only here for a regular visit, she had appropriate pain medication, and it did not take long.
My m0m threw a great wake party. Much laughter and reminiscing. Many people I have not seen in years that it was great to see, even under the circumstances.
And the next day we shelved her at the mausoleum. The director went to school with my brother and sister. My brother and his wife, and my sister and her husband and I went to lunch at a friend's restaurant. I went to the health department to get a tetanus shot and then we all met up at my mom's to eat leftovers. My sis and her man left the next day. I went back to work.
Life continued. It is still weird that she is not here any more. We were very close. I am glad that I came back to Pittsburgh coincidentally just in time for my grandfather's passing. I spent the horrible week of his dying with her and held her hand through the burial and wake proceedings. I am glad that I came back to Pittsburgh the first time. I saw her every week for a couple of years there. And I'm glad that I was here when her brain began to betray her. And I am so very glad that I was here for her death.
She was a kind and fun-loving woman. She was a fantastic grandmother. And when I became a grown up she was a good friend.
I am very thankful that she got to have a good death.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Time to cook up some kale
So what we ended up having for dinner was:
Chicken Picatta
Roasted Asparagus
Beets with Orange
and Breadworks Walnut Raisin bread
the next day I chopped up the leftovers and mixed in some plain yogurt and voila!
Chicken salad with beets and asparagus!
which was delightful.
I did make coconut sorbet, it is still sitting in my freezer.
But other than that, I am still on the grilled cheese and v8 habit.
Two amazing v8 variations -
If you chop up some cucumber, some bell pepper and some tomato and maybe some onion and douse this in v8 - you have quick and dirty gazpacho to have with your grilled cheese!
If you heat it up with some heavy cream you will have cream of tomato soup!
Yay!
Purge and re org is pretty much complete - I need a dresser. Other than that all systems are go.
It is ungodly hot here.
Am reading a midwife's biography and it is making me super excited about becoming a nurse midwife and also kind of making want to have a baby. Yikes.
I always thought that I would have kids, and the older I get the more unlikely it seems and I'm almost mostly ok with it.
If I don't get 100% ok with it I'm not sure that I will midwife. I think that the moments after the birth, with the parent/s and new baby might be too painful. That I will grieve too much that I will not experience it for myself.
If I don't midwife I imagine that I will do hospice. It's the flip side - I believe that life should begin and end with as much dignity as possible. It is a privilege to assist with coming into the world and with going out. And we all get to die.
Moving on -
went to Yoga for the first time since I've been back in Pgh. WOW. First, I'm out of practice - waaaaay out of practice. Secondly - it felt amazing. My wrists feel better, my shoulders, my back - jeez. It's like the meds I guess - never stop again!
Chicken Picatta
Roasted Asparagus
Beets with Orange
and Breadworks Walnut Raisin bread
the next day I chopped up the leftovers and mixed in some plain yogurt and voila!
Chicken salad with beets and asparagus!
which was delightful.
I did make coconut sorbet, it is still sitting in my freezer.
But other than that, I am still on the grilled cheese and v8 habit.
Two amazing v8 variations -
If you chop up some cucumber, some bell pepper and some tomato and maybe some onion and douse this in v8 - you have quick and dirty gazpacho to have with your grilled cheese!
If you heat it up with some heavy cream you will have cream of tomato soup!
Yay!
Purge and re org is pretty much complete - I need a dresser. Other than that all systems are go.
It is ungodly hot here.
Am reading a midwife's biography and it is making me super excited about becoming a nurse midwife and also kind of making want to have a baby. Yikes.
I always thought that I would have kids, and the older I get the more unlikely it seems and I'm almost mostly ok with it.
If I don't get 100% ok with it I'm not sure that I will midwife. I think that the moments after the birth, with the parent/s and new baby might be too painful. That I will grieve too much that I will not experience it for myself.
If I don't midwife I imagine that I will do hospice. It's the flip side - I believe that life should begin and end with as much dignity as possible. It is a privilege to assist with coming into the world and with going out. And we all get to die.
Moving on -
went to Yoga for the first time since I've been back in Pgh. WOW. First, I'm out of practice - waaaaay out of practice. Secondly - it felt amazing. My wrists feel better, my shoulders, my back - jeez. It's like the meds I guess - never stop again!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Method to my Madness
dudes. I am in the middle of a huge purge and reorganize. Is crazy and awesome. Except for the fact that Bex is coming over tonight for dinner and to read my cards and the house is a topsy turvy disaster.
But this is what's on the menu-
Chicken Piccatta
Beet Risotto
Carissa's Kale and Carrot Salad
Coconut Sorbet
mmm!
But this is what's on the menu-
Chicken Piccatta
Beet Risotto
Carissa's Kale and Carrot Salad
Coconut Sorbet
mmm!
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