Sturm und angst

I don't feel like I can talk about everything that is going on and that is making me feel alienated from this, my favorite medium for sorting things out. I don't like it.

That said.

School is a major head fuck. I knew that it would be, yes. I have been trying to put the nature of the head fuck into words for the past week, with little success. But I've got to sort it out - so here we go -

As mentioned in previous post - the people, my peers - while I do like most - there continues to be people who I want to punch just because they are stupid and ugly.

These people are the people that I will be working with when I'm done. In the hospital. They are prime examples of the willful ignorance that is so prevalent in Pittsburgh.

As much as I love being here, the pervasive social conservatism drives me insane. I miss living in cities where acceptance of difference is an integral part of the culture.

So as much as I love being near my parents, my brother and sis in law, friends - I don't know if I will stay.

That said, I'm here for at least three more years - 2 years to finish the program at Shadyside, a year working in the hospitals while I finish my BSN from Chatham.

Which will make both my me and my mom graduates from Chatham, which tickles her no end.

And then there are the pangs of - what to call? Leaving the idea of writing and art aside. Recognizing that I didn't give it the necessary energy when I had the opportunity and that now I must adjust to a different way of living my life.

I feel like I've given up on something that was the primary source of identification to me, without giving myself a proper chance - what this boils down to is I wish that I'd gone to grad school for writing.

I wish that I could have pulled it together during that horrible time while Jack and Bammy were in the hospital and applied to grad school.

But I didn't.

And I didn't after.

It was a rough few years there.

So it is an adjustment.

I feel like I have let myself down. Not lived up to my potential.

Which is not to say that I am not excited about the path that I am on. But that I am just in the beginning of yet another bout of identity adjustment.

Which is always a blast!


Am reading this. *

And it is awesome.

Have just finished this series. **

I love these mysteries. They are deeply engaging.

So that's that.

I was extremely excited this morning when I realized that I had all the fixins for a cream cheese-tomato-avocado-onion bagel, so I'm going to go eat that now.

Happy Sunday!

*Kraken by China Mieville

**Michael Ohayon series by Batya Gur