Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet

but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat...yesterday I felt like a lemon tree. Or a lemon. My metaphor might need some work. My simile rather. HI! Have been a bit off lately, a bit blue and edgey* which culminated, as it so often does, in me getting a bit drunk and quite hysterical.

I know that I am not alone in this, but wow, it would be nice to not keep my emotions so squashed down and inaccessible that I need to get drunk and then explode in order to express and purge them. Just saying.

So, the sadness was an amalgamation of all sorts of sad, some immediate, and some rather more existential. Re-read Raymond Carver's story, "What we talk about when we talk about love," earlier in the week. To refresh - two couples sit at a kitchen table and get drunk and talk about love. Specifically that the tragedy of love is that as complete and perfect and forever that you think it is, most likely, love will fade, promises will be broken and eventually both parties move on to love someone else. The tragedy is not in moving on and loving someone else, it is that love seems perfect and eternal in the beginning. And that the other kind of love, the passionate all consuming ideal of love is not sustainable, and really not very healthy for all parties involved.

So, have been thinking about the nature of love and friendship, and promises made and broken and oh, all maudlin. Not in the sense of, "oh, why bother, it all goes to shit," but rather in the, "holy shit, am I letting someone this close to me again? Yes, I am," way.

And there is also the sadness of friendships that you think will be there forever, but no. These, too, crash and burn. So, you know, all the sadness in the world exploded from me last night in the form of hysterical sobbing.

Fortunately, J took this all in stride, and listened to me, told me to stop apologizing and then put me to bed and told me that it was all going to be ok.

It's disconcerting to have someone in my life again that does make me feel like just maybe, it might all be ok.

Tonight we are playing cribbage and drinking this:

Apple cider, Reed's Ginger Brew, and spiced rum, more or less equal parts, with ice if you like, I don't...and eating some sort of lovely salad that will feature walnuts and gorgonzola.

Tomorrow we are having Potted Shrimp and Butternut Squash Risotto.

It is raining, I overcooked my Hot Milk Sponge Sheet a little bit, but my lemon curd is delicious.

Time to wash the dishes and go to work.

love you to the max!

*living proof that being properly medicated does not turn one into an emotionless** zombie.

** problem with shoving emotions down and not expressing them predates medication, and is more of a symptom of the problems being medicated, rather than a result of being medicated.