Brandade de Morue

Today is the greatest day I've ever known. Not really. It's wintermixing. I haven't been feeling well. Some sort of minor irritating bug going around.

Been a little lax on yoga and gym as a result.

So my dad has been diagnosed with cancer. Apparently he did not get the memo about no cancer in 2009. I am in a quandry. Half of me feels that I should move back to Pittsburgh immediately, the other half is more practical and selfish and feels that I should stay here.

I have a job with health insurance here. The chance of that happening there, oh, about nil. I need to take care of my wrists. I don't want to lose prescription coverage, even though I take generics, it's still expensive.

This is what I get for declaring that this is the most stable I've been since I was 7 yrs old.

But I'm worried about my dad, obviously. I'm worried about my mom. She is taking a leave of absence to take care of my dad, the second in 4 years. He almost died in a motorcycle accident 4 or so years ago. While he was still in a coma we had to commit my mom's mom. She was talking to walls and convinced that there were gun fights in the halls of the nursing home. She had quite an elaborate narrative worked out. It was fascinating when you could step back and watch how the narrative worked and how she was using language as she was losing it. Otherwise it was horrifying.

My dad can tough it out. I'm afraid my mom might crack.

My parents don't have friends like I have friends. I don't know who my mom will talk to.

I always figured that when my parents started to fail that I would move back. I didn't expect it to happen so soon.

My dad has been worrying about his throat and esophagus for years now. Funny how your fears can seem prescient.

Am I really the spinster daughter?

This is the second time in those 4 years that my brother will have to try and save my dad's business. My dad is the only engineer. My brother is working toward it, but he's not there yet.

Lordy, what a mess. I am a bit clinically curious to see what foods my dad will be able to stomach during chemo.

He has gone on record in the past as preferring "b" foods: beans, bananas, bread, bacon, beer.

I've been planning to make quinoa and chard and mushrooms, but mostly I feel like eating grilled cheese. Tillamook sliced cheddar on 9-grain with tomato. I like tomato on my grilled cheese. I also like pickles, but I don't have any.

Last night I stayed in bed and read James Beard's Menus for Entertaining and the New York Times Cook Book. I would like an excuse to make brandade:

1 1/2 lbs dried salt cod
1 lb potatoes
2 c. milk
1 bay leaf
1 small onion, peeled and thinly sliced
2 whole cloves
1 1/2 T minced garlic
salt and pepper
Pinch of grated nutmeg
Pinch of cayenne
1 c. extra virgin olive oil
1 1/2 c. cream

Place the salt cod in a pan and add cold water to cover. Let soak, changing the water every 3 - 4 hours for 12 hours of so.

When ready to cook, bake the potatoes.

Drain the fish and put it in a casserole. Add cold water to just cover. Add milk, bay leaf, onions and cloves. Bring to a boil and simmer for 3 - 4 minutes.

Drain the fish and discard cooking liquid. When cool enough to handle remove the skin and any bones. Flake the fish and add it to the bowl of a food processor. Use only the white flesh.

Scoop out the potatoes and add to the fish. Add garlic, salt, pepper, nutmeg and cayenne.

Heat oil and cream separately to just short of boiling.

Start blending oil and cream, adding each alternately.

Taste, add salt if necessary, serve with toasts and or bread.

...

I've never made this. But I remember the first time I had it. I was extremely excited as I'd read about it. I was working at Work of Art with an amazing chef. Her name was Dina. I learned a tremendous amount from her. But! It was garlicky and rich and delicately fish flavored.

...

D and I went out for dinner and movie on Saturday. We went to a fondue restaurant. It hit the creamy cheesey rich that I've clearly been craving, but it wasn't that good. The cheese had a harsh bite from the wine, and the accompaniments were a sad little bowl of chopped raw cauliflower, baby carrot and celery, a little bowl of too tart for the cheese granny smith apple, and some mediocre bread cubes. But the wine was delicious. Some Cab - Malbec blend. It made my teeth gray.

The movie was Waltz with Bashir. Which was incredible and amazing and beautiful and a total head fuck. There's no relief from the horror, it just keeps going, layer upon beautiful layer of horror. Building to revelation, but with that revelation comes no catharsis.

...

On Sunday, prior to the Emerald City Kennel Club dog show, I made a delicious grilled cheese:

Tillamook Med. Cheddar, bacon left over from saturday breakfast with CV, avocado and tomato on sliced 9 Grain. With a big cup of cheater miso soup.

...

The end. It is Monday morning. I am playing hooky from work this am. On my way to work I will stop at the cheap veggie stand and buy the ingredients for a spinach salad for Vegan Sunday tonight. I am going to cheat on the dressing and use the bottle of Annie's ginger sesame I have already. The weather has been crap it is sapping my will.

hearts out!